Why Aren't Asian Men Attractive?

“Do you like Asian men? No, thanks!” joked American comedian Steve Harvey on his show to the laughing female audience. He did receive backlash, but also revealed a painful reality: Asian men aren’t popular among women. When OkCupid, an online dating app, published its data, it showed that Asian men are the least desirable demographic on online dating platforms. On an average, Asian men received a rating of a negative 10.7% .

Geeky, nerdy, lonely and desperate. These are the typical stereotypes of an Asian guy who plays video games and is exceptionally good at math, but completely bad with women. The media creates a feeling that Asian men are either disinterested in a romantic relationship or completely desperate to get a girl. Think of an Asian character in any movie/sitcom, and you will realise that they are always a sidekick character created for a comedic relief. If they are not, then they are probably Bruce Lee. In other words, they are either nerds or asexual martial art masters. 

Daniel York Loh, a British East-Asian actor, says: “East Asian females are portrayed as this kind of exotic sexual trophy for white men, and the East Asian male are completely obliterated from the picture. Or the East Asian male is at very worst a figure of revulsion. Sometimes in a frightening way, sometimes in a comedic, ridicule, quite nasty, belittling way. They’re often presented as quite pervy, quite strange, but sexually inadequate.”

But what about Crazy Rich Asians? Although Crazy Rich Asians is a huge success and a progress, being the first all-Asian cast movie, it still lacks realistic representation. The movie tackles the issues of immigrant generation’s identity, but all males are muscular and perfect. This only shows how media represents two different, quite opposing sides. Going from one extreme to another. What essentially it could be saying is that Asian male are only good enough when they have certain physique and looks. 

“The trouble is when you talk about this stuff and you share about it online, people bombard with pictures of muscular, waxed, buff Asian men. I don’t think it’s about that. If you turn on your TV any night of the week, in Britain or America, you see lots of (white) men of different shapes and sizes. Some of them are older. They’re not photogenically pretty anymore, they’re middle-age men but they are in romantic relationships. They are being viable romantic partners, they’re being muscular role models,” says the actor.

Crazy Rich Asians is an exception rather than a rule. It is also a glamorous, glossy, modern fairytale. Although it is great to watch, it does not portray the reality. The truth is quite harsh: not every Asian guy you meet will turn out to be a perfect, muscular, secret billionaire. In fact, most of them will have different body shapes, heights, interests and characters. So why are Asian men being overlooked? 

Back in the days of silent cinema, Sessue Hayakawa, a Japanese-American actor, rose to fame because of his talent and looks. He never got the girl in movies, playing villains, forbidden lovers or stereotypical Japanese characters, but he did get a huge following of predominantly white women in real life. Now he is a forgotten legend in the world of cinematography. It is an example of a long history of oppression and prejudices. Interracial relationships were forbidden, and East Asians were seen as a threat at the time. Not much has changed, according to Daniel York who says that “men of colour are being seen as a threat to white patriarchal masculine sexual primacy. The more belittling their portrayals are - the better, from the white patriarchal point of view.”

One American study proves that people’s judgments of Asians match media image of them.

Helene Bang, a psychologist and a researcher, explains: “ We tend to believe what the media and news display. We tend to run with the easy story and not dig deeper for more complex explanations and thought provoking perspectives that would force us to rethink what we are used to believe.” 

Whether it is a movie or Tinder, a white guy gets a girl. White men are the most ‘swiped right’ group. Helene says: “The images we see and stories we attach to them seduce our minds in such a way that we tend to believe that white race is superior.”Although most women stay loyal to their race, they would still prefer white men over other men. Being mixed, however, gives men some advantage. Daniel York Loh admits that he had it easier. “You know we have this kind of mixed race privilege”, he says.

Peeraken Ta, a student in Newcastle, believes that diversity has improved things for Asians. “It is turning into multi-culture now, so they (Western people) don’t mind dating Asians much. But in the North, I am in Newcastle, I think they do care. I don’t even think they want to be friends with Asian people. I’m guessing it’s racism. They think they are better than Asian people,” he says. Karen Vega, a student from Texas, might disagree. “They (Asian guys) only hangout with people from their own country,” she says. Karen admits that she finds Asian guys cute, but would not date one. “I was picturing myself with an Asian guy and it doesn’t match. Imagining how my kids would be like,” she says. 

Johnny Cassell, a dating coach and a human behaviourist, has worked with many Asian men on their confidence in dating area. Talking from his experience, he noticed that Asians tend to stick to tribes. “They only tend to meet people through that little circle. They're not really encouraged to come out of that circle and socialise,” he says. Peace Choy, a student from Korea, explains that it could be because ‘it is easier to bond’ with people of your own culture. 

However, Peace has only dated Western women. “After you get over awkwardness with Western people, you’d prefer them more than Asians”, he says. He proceeds to explain that the Western dating culture “is more about socialising”. Well, what about Asians that grew up in a Western world? Daniel believes that Asian diaspora has lived in the UK long enough to become indigenous. “We’re established demographic.We’ve been here for three/four generations now,” he says. 

Although children of immigrants relate to the western culture, their parents attempt to preserve Asian values, especially when it comes to parenting methods. Johnny Cassell says: “I’m generalising, but from my experience working with Asian men, perhaps because of their upbringing, they never really experienced love from their parents. They haven’t really showed much emotions to their children”, he says, “ This isn’t just an Asian thing. I experienced that with my father. My father taught me to never show that you’re weak. But it’s obviously talking about business side of things, so you don’t get bullied. But when it comes to your relationships, you have to be vulnerable, you have to display emotions because that’s the language that we’re all thriving to communicate on.” 

Perhaps Asian upbringing has created a generation of emotionally unavailable men. You may have heard about strict Asian parenting with high demands and expectations put on a child. According to a study, Chinese-American kids are more likely to have emotional problems because of the strict upbringing. 

Johnny talks about his client who had a strict upbringing. “I mean this guy in another area in his life put pressure on himself, saying that ‘if I don’t learn this in 6 months, I’ll kill myself’. What I realised when he was going out, he looked very tense in his face. So I told him you can’t be applying this method in this area in your life, because people see that you are tense and it is making them uncomfortable.” This is not a case for Peace who is comfortable displaying his feelings. Despite a strict upbringing, his parents ‘showered him with emotions’. 

So, who is to blame? Is it the media that emasculates Asian male? The strict Asian parents who turn their sons into emotionally unavailable men? or Asian community that isolates itself from other groups?  As with any racial issue, there is no clear answer yet. What is clear is that we have more in common than we think. Falling a victim to your unconscious prejudices can take away an opportunity to meet a soulmate. What we could do better as a society is see people beyond their race. Be more open to meet new people outside of our groups.